The Dark Side of Empathy

Looking at oneself critically is a difficult task. It is not an ability I claim to have mastered so if this article comes across as holier-than-thou please excuse my tone. I am merely writing about an observation I have made as result of a common story in surface-level internet philosophy/self help. This is not to pass judgement or to take the air out of a person’s desire to better themselves. If anything, I only wish to write about what I believe to be the other side of the empath’s plight…
…which is being too caring.

Only joking.

There has long been something unsettling to me about the numerous articles online, many of which you can find on various blogs or on Medium, which detail the downside of being an empathetic person. Each and every one that I have found agree that the worst part of being an empath is that you run the risk of becoming a doormat to others expectations. That you will feel so strongly for the troubles of others that you will neglect your own well being until you are a just a soiled dishrag of a human being.

Bullshit.

That is a comfortable interpretation of what the downside of empathy is but not a realistic view of its dark side. People (myself included in the past) have enjoyed this martyred interpretation of empathy because it does not hurt any feelings. Rather than an admission of true limitation, it is closer to a pat on the back. It is a pass that neglects your potential. It is affirmation and permission to feel good (or sorry) about yourself without any work done.

Why do people desire to be empaths? Well, in my conversations with folks it stems from several areas. For one, being a caring human being is a good thing and a desirable trait in any person.

Another reason, and one that smacks of desire and not of that critical self view I mentioned at the beginning, is that many wish to be (or to be seen as) an artist. Artists are required to be in tune with the emotional aspects of the human experience. Now I do not think that empathy and artistry is self exclusive, but any profession that promises fame and a measure of personal mystique will attract those who want that identity.
All this armchair psychology to say, there are many reasons that being an empath is a good thing, but the laziness of the internet has seemed to overlook the other, darker side of this trait.

An empath is able to imagine the pain of another. They can walk around in the shoes of a homeless man and feel his desolation. They can watch a movie and understand the trials of the characters on a more personal level than most. They can also (I would think) be able to empathize with others joy much easier. But none of these, even and especially the experience of empathetic pain, is the dark side.

Plainly written: the dark side of empathy is imagining yourself as evil. Placing yourself in the life of a murderer, a rapist, a serial killer. Empathizing is not sympathizing. The goal of an empath is not becoming an emotional doormat for others, but as one who can imaginatively discover the mystery of why some of us commit acts of violence against others. I believe that some people know this already, and may have traveled down dark paths in life following these mysteries and have themselves also become a criminal. Recognizing that most of my exposure to Carl Jung has come by way of Jordan Peterson, I believe that this may be a portal to what Peterson and others refer to as “Jungian Shadow Work.” This side of empathy is an avenue to not only others darkness, but also to your own, and through it a more complete version of your-self that most never find.

The dark side is not becoming a doormat, but a devil. The greatest fiends are not those who do not understand your pain, but the ones who are able to resonate with it and stoke your fears as a result. If you feel that you are an empath, then your job is to manage both sides of this trait in order to bring not only others’ lives into greater understanding, but also your own.