How to (Not) Care: A Paradox

Instead of writing a long story, I just have an idea I would like to share.

First, tell me whether this interaction sounds familiar:

Friend: “That person who doesn’t like you is going to be at the party tonight.”

You: “I don’t care.”

How about this one?:

Coworker: “Oh man, you better watch out for the boss today. I heard he’s upset with you for not doing that thing he asked.”

You: “I don’t care.”

This one too:

Mother: “If you don’t change your ways, then no one will ever marry you.”

You: “I don’t care.”

So, without expounding too broadly, what do all of these interactions have in common? Obviously, the response for each of the statements. Do these “I don’t care” responses sound familiar to you? Because they do to me. I would say that I use this phrase more times a week than I tell people “hello”, and I would wager that you do as well. The only language I speak is English, but it would not surprise me if this unconvincing and very defensive expression is common in every language on earth.

Here is what we are actually saying: “I actually do care about that which you just mentioned but I would rather unproductively pretend that it does not bother me and not talk about it.”

Here is my idea: embrace your feelings and in doing so become a stronger and more truthful person. If you are like me and enjoy the Youtube videos of Jordan Peterson, then perhaps you have heard him say how destructive it is to say things that make you weak and how important it is for your own personal development in this life to speak truthfully. Well, I believe that this is a good way to do just that.

I would say that 9 times out of 10, when we say “I don’t care,” we mean the opposite. Now imagine if, instead of saying this potentially destructive expression and weakening yourself, you take a moment to admit to your self that you do care about the opinions of others towards you. In doing so you may find that there is a very real emotion of care and maybe even affection for the person (or event or whatever) who is the object of your alleged indifference.

I discovered years ago that if someone did not like me, and I admitted to myself that not only did their opinion matter to me but it was because I cared for them in some way (no matter how small), that suddenly whatever their thoughts were about me as a person I did not have the energy to care.

This is the paradox: Only by caring about others, will you no longer be effected by their opinions of you, and cease to care.

When we admit that we actually do care, we are resonating with a truth far mightier than the likely misguided opinions of others. So I heard a person I work with does not like me. So what? I happen to have a brotherly respect for this person and I’m sure that if I continue to act truthfully and honestly in the world then eventually this person will return my affection. I care, and by doing so I do not care about their likely misinformed ideas about me.

It is only through genuine caring that we can stop caring.

To the random person reading this article: this does not apply to only the people we know in real life. I find that even the faceless trolls of the internet elicit some sort of emotional response from me when their ire is turned my way. Why would we react the way we do if, even separated by a universe of electrons zipping back and forth and possibly an entire planet, we did not share some sort of interpersonal connection? It is because we really, deeply, and profoundly care about the thoughts and feelings of our fellow man.

And if you do not like me or this opinion:

I don’t care.