8 Very Good Reasons Never to Move to Asheville, NC

Everywhere I look is article after article extolling the wonders of Asheville. The great hiking, the craft beer, the folk music, the downtown scene etc. Well, as someone who was born and has lived for 25 years in this mountain town I feel there are a few things those articles are failing to mention. Here is a list of 8 aspects of Asheville life that need more attention especially if you are considering moving here.

The Mutant Dogcats
There are few towns more welcoming and in love with dogs and cats than Asheville. Every trail and park is a dogs promised land and even the lowliest tom cat is treated with parasitic affection. On the surface of every tourism pamphlet there are numerous photos of pet owners enjoying life with their furry companions. Of course, there is nothing untrue about this advertising, but, I am here today to inform you of something that only residents are aware of.

The roving packs of mutant dogcats.

No one is sure where these vicious critters came from. Some say that a rogue biologist at UNCA partnered with a maniacal veterinarian to splice the two beasts together. Others that some dastardly company polluted a stream near a pet day care which in turn infected the poor animals and caused them to somehow fuse into the progenitors of what we now have today.

Whatever the truth may be, it is undeniable that the dogcats are astoundingly invasive. They have all the energy and strength of a dog with the agility and cunning of a feline. I have seen them tear up a garden and then scamper up a tree with ease. I have hidden in fear as packs of these beasts lumbered through town, their glowing eyes searching for prey. I know more people who have lost their family pets than I care to consider, and I have mourned as our squirrel populations have plummeted.

So if you are considering moving to Asheville and you have pets of your own, maybe think twice. The dogcats only eat dogs. And cats.

2. The Curse

Everyone knows of the Salem Witch Trails, but few are aware that Asheville suffered its own brush with the occult over a century ago. The details of that event are many, contradicting, horrifying, and downright hilarious at times. This is not the forum to discuss the particulars of what occurred, but suffice to say that we have felt their effects over time for several generations and will continue to do so for many more.

We are cursed.

A very powerful witch placed a curse on the citizens of Asheville who executed her at the stake. It is said that she smoldered on her pyre for seven days and writhed in agony for just as many before she succumbed to the flames. It required the felling of ten ancient oaks to finally put her to rest with people taking shifts to throw wood on the fire. Witnesses said that the entire time she was burning she was shrieking in an ancient and garbled language. Her speech turned out to be a curse, and if any doubted that at the time it was not long before they believed.

What does the curse entail? Nightmares, incessant bed wetting (I said some parts of it were hilarious), rampant melancholic daydreams, and body odor like rotten onions. Don’t believe me? Research the amount of money that people from Asheville spend on high end deodorants every year. For seventy-seven generations the descendants of those people must suffer beneath this curse, and if you come to Asheville just be prepared to live along side it as well.

3. The ICPK’s

If you are from Asheville and made it this far you are probably wondering why I would even bring up the ICPKs. They are so rare that even most natives have never witnessed one, myself included. But nonetheless their presence is a menace and if one is considering moving to this mountain town then it is only right that they be informed.

Inter-dimensional Cabbage Patch Kids.

Yeah, sounds crazy. Look, they are not literally the toy beloved by thousands (surely not millions, right?) of children across America. They are called this because they only appear to resemble babies swathed in cabbage. The appear out of thin air in random parts of the city and begin telepathically hurling cars at buildings. I am not even joking. My own father barely dodged a Nissan flung at him by one of these pests one day. Not only do they like throwing large objects at folks but they also have a creepy villain-like laughter that becomes glued to your soul for days and haunts your dreams. They are still rare enough that your chances of being unlucky enough to cross paths with one is slight, but it is still worth knowing about.

4. The Anti-Biltmore House

If you are considering moving to Asheville then chances are good that you know about or have already visited the famous Biltmore house — the largest privately owned house in the US. It is big, beautiful, and one of the crowing jewels in the tiara that is Asheville’s tourism industry. But there is another house, only known to locals, that might put you off even a second visit to Asheville let alone a permanent move.

We call it the Anti-Biltmore house.

Though the name might not be very creative, it was coined shortly after its discovery by a group of boys who nearly lost their minds, not to mention their very lives, due to its malevolence. The Anti-Biltmore house is a ghostly residence that appears hear and there only during full moons. There have been sightings on street corners and atop mountains, down moonlit trails and at the bottom of lakes. None have stayed long enough to provide adequate descriptions of the building but all agree that within its dark doors lay the path to insanity.

I was fortunate enough to meet one of the boys who originally saw the Anti-Biltmore house. He was an old man and, though I didn’t know it at the time, close to death. I shall always remember what he said to me when I asked him to tell me know I would know if I was stumbled across the house:

“There will be a beautifully manicured lawn,” he told me. Then his eyes widened as if he were seeing it again for the first time. “And then the sky will turn the color of blood and every fiber of your being will scream at you to run. You can run of course, but only a coward would turn away without knocking first.”

Strange advice from sick elderly man, but I think there is wisdom in it somehow.

5. The Growing Sith/Jedi violence

It has been getting worse for years now. You cannot walk down the street without these maniacs whipping out a light saber and nearly slicing half a block to ribbons. Every time a fight occurs it causes a mass panic and a stampede of people tripping and pushing each other out of the way. Then its a storm of Force-lightening and a hail of random objects being magically slung around that damage buildings and break car windows.

Everyone I know of was so excited that the Jedi were establishing a new temple in Asheville but no one stopped to consider what might tag along if they did. Now the city council is at a loss as to how to stop the Jedi and their sworn enemies from fighting but nothing they come up with has worked. The Jedi swear that they have the Sith presence under control but it seems like every month now there is news of another scuffle happening somewhere around the city.

Does it make great YouTube clips? Of course. But imagining enjoying a meal at your favorite restaurant downtown when suddenly a frickin melee occurs. They are becoming more and more frequent and more people need to be aware of this.

6. I-40

Will it ever get fixed? Probably not. Asheville’s longest standing standstill of a traffic problem will probably not be fixed even in my children’s lifetime. If you despise traffic jams then this should be more than enough of a reason to not move here. You see, there are not enough lanes to accommodate the car driving population so I-40 is in a constant state of congestion. How many people drive cars in Asheville? Everyone. You have to if you want to get anywhere because the public transportation (I love the ART bus but they are not enough) sucks.

So if you move here just be warned. I-40 is a beast to navigate, and totally unpredictable. You have been warned.

7. An Increasingly Unfunny Situation

I don’t want to beat around the bush on this one. Everyone knows what I am talking about. You do not have to be from Asheville to have felt the full force of this one. They hang about on street corners looking for handouts with their crude cardboard signs declaring their inability to work. They follow people around with sob stories begging for pocket change. The situation has become so bad that I have heard mayors of certain cities buy them bus tickets just to send them to Asheville. The worst part, in my opinion, are the corny, corny, jokes.

I’m talking about the clowns, of course.

They all have the same story: The Stephen King IT remake has made them unable to find work, again. The first time around I think I could have mustered some sympathy for them, but we live in the golden age of remakes. I believe that they only have themselves to blame for not seeing this one coming. Anyways, if you find the idea of sad clowns on every street corner the least bit unsettling then stay away from Asheville. We got them everywhere. Lots of clowns.

Lots. Of. Clowns.

8. The Mandatory Probing*

You haven’t heard, you say? You didn’t know that every Asheville resident must be anally probed by the mothership at least once a quarter? Of course you didn’t. No one knows. No one knows until it is their turn.

It isn’t all that bad, honestly. I think the last time I was probed I was back home in time to watch Game of Thrones. Didn’t last more than two hours that time. The Asheville city council had to strike a bargain with the aliens in the mid 80s. It was either that or planetary domination so you’re welcome. Here is how it will go down: It was be late at night and you will be sitting comfortably at home. If you strain your ears will you would notice that there are no sounds coming from the outside, as all of the animals have fled from the approaching mothership. Then BLAM and the light go off. You then awaken strapped to a cold metal table and beings with large eyes and long fingers will calmly stroke your face and say things in a language you have never heard. From there….well…let’s just say that it feels alienating.

All this to say there are many good reasons to visit this beautiful mountain town, but perhaps moving here is not in you or your best interest.

*Recent investigations into the probings have slightly changed the previous conclusion of point number 8. Though the probings are definitely occurring on a regular basis, I have it on good authority that Asheville is not being menaced by actual extra terrestrials but by our very own government who have dressed themselves to appear alien but in fact are just very short men who work for a psychopathic break away civilization which is attempting to prime humanity for a false flag alien invasion. I feel this actually strengthens point number eight, because not only will you not get to see an ET, the government will have yet another chance to stuff your turkey. (For more information, go to Sirius Disclosure.com)